Delicious Frosted Mini Wheats

Coronavirus Even Ruined Cereal

Things were going along well enough, given the shelter-at-home and quarantine challenges. I mean, we had three rolls of TP left, so that was a concern, but we had plenty of the most important items: Coca-Cola, instant chocolate pudding, Cheez-Its, milk, and of course cereal. But then along comes this video from some kinda doctor in some tiny-ass town in Michigan, telling my wife (god bless her heart) that she is not being nearly careful enough, and that it would be advisable, prudent if you will, to basically start bleaching every damn thing in existence. Which is all fine — bleach away. Wipe down the doorknob that nobody but us has touched in 4 weeks. Spray the bottoms of your shoes, which haven’t traveled more than 8 feet into the backyard. And if you want to handwash every vegetable we (I — she won’t step foot in any store) bring home from the grocery store I suppose that’s fine too. But when Dr. Deep Clean recommends you throw away every box in your house, well now a line has been crossed indeed. But before I knew it, my favorite shelf was no longer a colorful, geometrically attractive, row of vital sustenance but a sad collection of see-through plastic bags, full of items that frankly just don’t look nearly as appealing in reality as they do on box covers.

Sad Bag of Frosted Mini Wheats

I went from feeling like a pretty successful guy, who can buy whatever cereal he pleases, back to being a kid, circa 1975, shopping with my super thrifty grandma, who thought the generic bags of cereal were absolutely just as good as any of those boxes. “What do you need one of those branded cereals for? These Tasty Charms look plenty good, with the cute little marshmallows” (which she apparently doesn’t notice were color varieties of dead leaves and dust). Needless to say there are two large bags of Frosted Mini Wheats sitting like sacks of dirt clods on the pantry shelf, as I sit sadly at an empty table, breathing in the cleanest air, heavy with bleach.

Dog-friendly; shoes required.